


Like Something Out of Children of the Corn

by Molespeople



Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: A Little Less Space Opera A Lot More Soap Opera, Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:56:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molespeople/pseuds/Molespeople
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jupiter Jones was just living her life - underemployed with a PhD in Comparative Literature - working for her mother's cleaning business, when she received a call that changed her life, but maybe not for the better.  On the one hand, she never has to worry about money again. On the other hand, she has to raise her long lost twin sister's three children, Balem, Kalique, and Titus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pre-Hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [banditess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/banditess/gifts).



> This is where my mind went when I watched Jupiter Ascending for the second time. Yeah, who knows. Kind of un-beta'ed. Feedback and criticism welcome. This is kind of going to be a never-ending prompt-y thing maybe?
> 
> ALSO I FORGOT TO DEDICATE THIS TO BANDITESS. Because I was like, "I have this idea." And she was like, "Doooo itttt."

If there's one thing Jupiter understands is how suddenly life can change. Sometimes it's for the worst and your father can be alive and healthy one minute and dead the next. And sometimes it turns out for the better - you run, literally, into a stranger with his dog outside of your doctor's office. Groggy from the flu, embarrassed, and only slightly flustered by the stranger's cuteness, you start blabbing about dogs and how you've always loved dogs. Worried about your ability to navigate safely home, the stranger buys you an herbal tea and waits with you until your mother arrives. You get to know Caine and his dog, Skyjack, and it's your first unofficial date with the love of your life.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if the change in your life is good or bad. As Jupiter stares at her phone resting at the bottom of the toilet that she was just cleaning, she feels like this might be one of those scenarios. On the one hand, she just found out that she is the beneficiary of an insanely large inheritance. On the other hand, she just found out her twin sister died. Her twin sister that she didn't know existed. 

Jupiter numbly pulls her rubber gloves off. "I need to call Mom. I need to call _Caine_." She looks down at her phone in the toilet. "Shit."

\-------------  
On a scale of one to ten, it probably ranks at about a million for the most awkward conversations ever. Phone-less, she ends up showing up at her mom’s office hours and gets a cup of Keurig K-cup coffee for her trouble. 

Jupiter doesn’t feel like niceties. “I got an interesting phone call today from Texas.”

Her mom hums distractedly as she peruses a paper a red pen in one hand, a cup of coffee in the other. “Oh Texas? That is nice.” 

“Yeah, a lawyer called on behalf of the Estate of Seraphi Jones. So apparently, I have a twin? Oh excuse me, I had a twin?" 

Jupiter watches her mom takes a sip of her coffee before placing it back on the table. "At one point." 

"Can you elaborate on that vague statement?” she asks with an arched eyebrow. "Please?"

"Oh Jupiter. Please, it is not a pretty story." Aleksa sighs. “Do you remember when you were about seven and I spent the whole day crying?" 

Jupiter frowns. "Yes?"

"That was the day I found out that the judge decided that your sister was better off with your grandparents than she was with us."

"Oh."

"Yeah oh. Major bummer, so they say."

"But how did they get Seraphi? --Like am I saying that right? Sera-fee? -- How did they get her in the first place?" 

"Yes, that is the name. Do not judge me - I did not choose it. And how do you think we got to America? I was weak in a time of grief. Two babies? What am I going to do with two babies? Your father's parents were also grieving and when they expressed an interest in providing a better life for us? Don't think I didn't regret this decision for a moment." Aleksa takes a sip of coffee, her hands shaking. "Because I regret it everyday, and now your sister is dead and I will never have a chance to know her.” 

“Well, I still need to talk to the lawyer but there was mention of a guardianship so surprise - you’re a grandmother!” Jupiter pauses and gives her mother an innocent look. “Speaking of which, when the lawyer got to about the ninth digit, as in BILLIONS, I dropped my phone in the toilet. Could I get an advance, Boss?” 

Aleksa laughs, dashing tears out of her eyes. “And here I thought I was done raising babies. Did you finish your houses today?” 

Jupiter nods solemnly. “Oh yes. I definitely did.” 

Aleksa hums. “Yes, finish the houses, and then I will give you your so-called advance.” 

“I can do that too. So I’ll just come back here? Like meet you at the house?” Jupiter warily looks at her mother. “You know what? I’ll just come back later. Don’t worry about it.” Jupiter hovers awkwardly by the door. “I love you, Mom,” she says softly as she leaves. Jupiter tries to hurry away from the door before the crying starts. It was scary enough to watch her mom cry when she was seven, Jupiter doesn’t think she could bear it now. 

\--------- 

Once she’s finished cleaning the houses, she collects her advance from her mother/boss. They don’t really talk about their previous conversation, but they do hug for like five minutes. She gets her new phone and talks to the lawyer and talks to Caine, who unsurprisingly takes everything extremely well. 

So that’s how Jupiter Jones with her PhD in Comparative Literature, her boyfriend, Caine, and his dog, Skyjack end up moving to Texas to raise her long lost twin sister’s three children, Balem, Kalique, and Titus.


	2. Nobody Likes Lawyers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jupiter Jones, her boyfriend, Caine, and the dog, Skyjack, are in TEXAS. That would be exciting except Aegis, Texas doesn't make the greatest first impression.

Jupiter watches Caine walking Skyjack in the scraggly grass of The Cruise N Fill, the only gas station in Aegis, Texas. God, her boyfriend is such a cutie. She shakes her head and turns her attention back to the shelves of candy. After an 18-hour drive, she deserves chocolate. Frankly, she deserves the whole cardboard carton of Milky Ways, but she'll limit herself to one. Jupiter briefly contemplates the lonely chocolate bar in her hand before grabbing another. She deserves two chocolate bars, okay? Caine gets a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup because she's not a heartless monster. She makes her way to the checkout and places the chocolate on the counter. "The chocolate and $20 on Pump 4, please." 

The middle-aged woman behind the counter looks up from her magazine with a horrified look on her face. "Oh sweet Jesus. Frank! Frank! Get the shot gun - Seraphi is back from the dead," she shouts towards the back office.

"What you say about Seraphi, Jill?" 

"She's a ZOMBIE, Frank."

"Like some Walking Dead shit?"

"I'm not a zombie," Jupiter says, a confused frown on her face.

The woman raises an eyebrow. "She might be a vampire, Frank. Does the shotgun work on vampires?"

"Why the hell would a vampire be out in the middle of the day, Jill?" 

"I'm not stupid, Frank, it's called Twilight."

Jupiter looks towards the door. She contemplates whether she could make it through without getting a bullet in the back. "I'm not a vampire either. Like I can't believe I just said that, but Seraphi was my sister." 

Frank comes out of the office, shotgun in hand. "That's exactly what a vampire would say."

Jupiter should have known then that this was going to end badly. 

\--------------------------------------

Frank and Jill turn out to be all right after Jupiter screams for Caine. Caine may have broken the gas station door, but Frank and Jill gave them a bunch of candy for free - who doesn't like a free Pay Day? Does it make up for the fact that she was mistaken for a zombie/vampire and nearly shot? Not really. But free chocolate? She'll take it. She deserves all the chocolate. 

She's starting to really miss Chicago.

It doesn't really get better when they show up at Droyd, Bott & Mann. Compared to the buildings in the rest of the town, it's a showy construction of shiny glass. Caine is on edge as he guides her to the door, half expecting another instance of mistaken identity/presumed undead uprising. On the way over, Jupiter smiled and waved at a little girl while they were waiting at a red light and the girl started _crying_. Thankfully, nobody cries or threatens to kill her when she shows up at the law firm. The reception area is just as sleek as the outside and Jupiter definitely feels out of place. Judging by the way Caine curls his hand against hers, she guesses he feels the same way. At least there's air conditioning, which Skyjack seems to appreciate at the very least. The receptionist doesn't really seem to appreciate the dog, what with the slight disdainful sneer on his face. Does she care? Not really. 

They don't have to wait long before a man with overly coiffed blond hair and strangely shiny lips greet them. "You must be Jupiter Jones. I must say, darlin', the resemblance is quite frightening. I'm Bob Droyd. We spoke on the phone." Jupiter opens her mouth to greet him, but the man keeps talking. "Why don't we pop into my office?" Bob leads them down a wide hallway. "And the bathroom is just through there if nature calls. And we'll be right through here."

Bob settles into his chair behind the desk and smiles enthusiastically. "If you were looking for the Droyd in Droyd, Bott & Mann, I'm not the droid you're looking for." He pauses, grin on his face, waiting for a response but then fidgets with his tie when he doesn't get one. "Well. Anyway, I have some papers for you to sign. This puppy has already been through probate. Due to the size of the estate and its complexity, Seraphi did recommend that our firm serve as executor, but of course, as a beneficiary, you'll always have the ability to change this." 

Jupiter looks at the paperwork and then Caine. "Well, that sounds fine." 

Bob smiles brightly. "Well, that's just dandy! If you could just sign and initial where all those cute, little flags are, that would be amazing. " 

As soon as Jupiter does so, Bob takes the paperwork away, efficiently flipping through. He nods, pleased. "Now, regarding the estate - Abrasax Farms, the properties in London, New York and Los Angeles are yours outright. In addition, you have 51% ownership, with voting rights, in RegeneX Cosmetics. In terms of liquid assets, you will be entitled to 75% of the sum of $2 billion. The majority of the assets will be held in trust with installments of 1% every year until the children turn 18. At which time, the rest of the money will be disbursed." 

Jupiter feels like she's gaping like a fish. "That's _a lot_ of money." 

"In my opinion, honey, you're gonna earn every sweet little penny." 

Jupiter doesn't think much of this comment at first. "What happens to the rest of the money?"

"Seven percent is going to charity. The remaining 18% will be allocated in equal thirds to the children. They will receive an allowance of $2 million dollars each year once they turn 18." 

Jupiter scratches her forehead. "Yeah, that's way more information than I needed right now." 

"Where are the children now?" Caine asks as he pets Skyjack's head. 

"Their respective nannies are temporarily caring for them. You'll probably want to continue that for as long as humanly possible." 

Caine and Jupiter exchange looks. "Why would that be, Bob?"

Bob looks Jupiter squarely in the eye. "Ma'am, believe me when I tell you I deal with some of the most rotten, stuck-up, shallow and good-for-nothing human beings in Dallas. They're also some of the richest. Those Jones kids are up there." 

"Aren't they six?" 

"An evil six to be sure, ma'am. If those children ever found out about the portion of your inheritance, they might just kill you to get it." 

Jupiter can feel her eyes widen and she sincerely contemplates running back to Chicago.

"Jesus Christ," mutters Caine under his breath. 

Bob raises his hands placatingly. "Not that that would work, mind you. Even if they made it look like an accident and got away with murder, upon your death, any remaining installments of your portion will go to charity."

"You legitimately think this is going to be an issue?" 

Bob nods his head fervently. "Oh yeah, most definitely." 

Caine furrows his brow. "But, wouldn't it be better then just tell the kids outright that everything goes to charity."

Bob purses his lips. "You would think that. But honestly, if they hate you enough, they might not care."


	3. Shit Hits the Fan (Just Kidding - There's No Fan)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jupiter and Caine (and Skyjack) survive the seemingly never-ending meeting with Bob Droyd, Esquire. They eat lunch.

The meeting with Mr. Droyd lasts for three hours. Three. Hours. Jupiter was getting ready to grab a pen and stab herself in the face. She was not alone in this sentiment. Caine was getting antsy too - if the bouncing of his leg was anything to go by - but at least he had the excuse of taking Skyjack for a walk. Little could be said about Mr. Droyd's attention to detail, upon their blissful departure, she received a stack of folders not unlike that of three theses and a dissertation.

She'll investigate those later. Jupiter has other things on her mind right like _food_.

She squints into the sun before shading her face with the half of a dead tree in her hands. "Did you do any reconnaissance on your walk, _puppelah_?"

Caine shrugs. "A little. There's a diner. A coffee shop that would warrant further investigation." He rubs the back of his head. "Found a yarn shop."

Jupiter smiles. "Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah - Purl-y Gates - on Main. The owner gave Skyjack some water."

"Did you buy anything while Skyjack had a drink?" Jupiter asks while looping arms with her boyfriend. 

Caine ducks his head. "I may have gone a little crazy - I want to make an afghan. Seeing as how I'm a kept man now..."

Jupiter rolls her eyes. "Oh you're _hil-lari-ous_. "

Caine gives her a small smile. "I think so."

Jupiter steps in front of Caine. "Skyjack, cover your eyes." When Skyjack tucks his head under a paw, Jupiter smiles and bestows a kiss upon Caine's lips. "You're such a cutie, mister. Thank you for being my kept man." She bends down and rubs Skyjack's furred head. "And you're such a good boy." 

Caine pulls her up and entwines their fingers. "I haven't even told you about the bookstore yet. It had used books." 

Jupiter's eyes widen and she bounces around on her toes peering down the street. "No! Really? Where -" 

Caine shakes his head. "Diner first. You can't go book shopping an empty stomach." I don't know how you managed to listen to that lawyer for so long. Pro rata. Testamentary trust. Fiduciary."

Jupiter tilts her head. "You know, at one point I was considering studying law."

Caine just looks at her with a startled look on his face before laughing. "You would have been good at it," he shakes his head. "But, Jupe, you would have _hated_ it."

Jupiter nods her head wildly in agreement. "Oh, believe me. I only considered it for half a semester. Actually, it was more like a week tops."

\--------------------  
It's September and it's 90 degrees and they're sitting outside because Skyjack is adorable but he's still not allowed in the diner. They're in the shade, kind of, and the waitress has been extremely attentive in refilling their water glasses, but Jupiter's coming to the realization that she's just moved from Chicago to live in an oven. She watches their waitress, Henny-Like-the-Cognac, skillfully navigate through the door. 

"I've got the chef salad with the grilled chicken and a side of steamed broccoli for the gentleman. And jalapeño cream cheese burger and side of fries for the lady. 

Jupiter can feel her mouth watering just looking at the food. "This looks delicious. Thank you."

Caine nods in agreement. "Yeah, this looks great. Thank you."

Henny looks at their drinks. "I'll be right back with some more sweet tea and water, folks." 

Caine nods in acknowledgement. "Thanks, Henny," he says as she walks away. 

He picks up his fork and starts digging into his salad. He takes a bite of his salad and bobs his head happily. "Yeah, this is good." He watches Jupiter take a bite of her burger. 

"This is soooooo good," she moans.

"That cheeseburger is bigger than your face."

"I know, right? That's why it's so good. In fact, it's honestly the best thing about Texas so far."

Caine pushes a tomato around in his bowl of salad before spearing a piece of chicken. "We don't have to stay here, Jupiter. We can always go back to Chicago."

Jupiter puts her burger down on her plate. "Except you just got a promotion that's in Texas - and it's doing something _you_ love. The whole supportive thing goes both ways you know, puppelah." She abandons her burger briefly for her fries. "And I mean what would we be going back to? My mother and family? Like okay, that's a definite plus. But I wasn't going to get a job in my field in the Midwest, period, let alone, Chicago, which would just mean more cleaning toilets for me. And Seraphi's kids would become wards of the state?" She looks Caine squarely in the eye. "No, it's kind of not an option."

Caine looks away. "I turned out okay," he mumbles as he pets Skyjack's back.

Jupiter looks at Caine. It's hard to believe that her quietly self-assured hunk of a boyfriend was this little runt -- his words -- who got kicked around in foster care until he turned 18 and he joined the Air Force. But she's seen the photographic evidence, the few pictures that pepper Caine's childhood.

Jupiter abandons her French fry to grab Caine's hand. "No, it's not an option."

Caine smiles and pushes his bowl of steamed broccoli towards his girlfriend. "Have something green with that." 

Jupiter rolls her eyes. "Jalapeños are green," she says as she plucks a floret out of the bowl. She pops the broccoli in her mouth and wipes her fingers on her napkins. She picks up one of the smaller Manila folders and starts flipping through the contents. She stares at the words on the paper before turning to look at Caine, who pauses in the consumption of his salad. 

"Oh god. What's wrong?" 

Jupiter pushes the folder in his direction. "Am I reading this right?" 

Caine stares at the words before nodding. "Yep." 

Henny shows up to refill their drink. 

Caine smiles brightly up at her. "Thank you again. Would it be possible to get a whole peanut butter cream pie?" he gestures to Jupiter.

Jupiter pauses flipping through the papers. "Turtle cheesecake," she says, still shaking her head in disbelief. 

Caine nods. "And an entire Turtle cheesecake? To-go, if that's possible."

Henny tilts her head but dutifully writes it down on her pad of paper. "Y'all know that's gonna be like $50 worth of dessert." 

"That sounds perfect."

Henny shakes her head as she walks away. Caine turns to Jupiter, a grim look on his face. "We have to do some serious reconnaissance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're ever in Bastrop, Texas - you can stop by Maxine's Cafe/Maxine's on Main and eat this food. It's been rated well - but I've never been. YAY. INTERNET. 
> 
> I swear. I SWEAR that Kalique, Balem, and Titus WILL BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Like Something Out of Mean Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jupiter, Caine and Skyjack finally meet the children.

It's a little disconcerting when they finally meet that kids in that it's like something out of a teen movie. You know that moment when the cool kids make their entrance, strutting their stuff down the hallway, kind of like that. Everything is in slow motion and there may be a dramatic hair flip - it's a strangely synchronized, thoroughly intimidating and surreal experience. She'd feel a little bit better if she and Caine were the ones doing the strutting, but nope.

Bob makes the introductions, but it's kind of weird to see the kids in person. Caine and Jupiter just spent the afternoon studying their dossiers, but there's Balem over there in the cape. He's apparently got a "Greeghan". Jupiter doesn't know what that is and is kind of scared to find out. His "paternal genetic donor" from the luxury "genetic repository" was a former gold medal-winning Olympic athlete turned fashion designer/model/producer of his own reality TV show, Strokes of Fate. The donors are supposed to be elite, but anonymous, and Jupiter thinks that that's really specific and kind of defeats the purpose. But according to the 30-page section of legalese, the children are aware of their origins and that the paternal genetic donors or PGDs are just that and have no parental rights or entitlement to visitation, blah, blah, blah. 

Jupiter gets distracted when Kalique performs another perfectly executed hair flip. Jupiter was nowhere near as coordinated when she was six. Jupiter wonders to herself, does Kalique resemble the famous movie director turned governor PGD that was so fastidiously selected by Seraphi at the genetic repository? Kalique narrows her eyes slightly at the presence of Skyjack and, yes, in fact, there is a resemblance, though her hair is _much nicer_.

And then there's Titus, the baby, if being birthed by the surrogate five months later than your half-siblings makes you the baby. Because that's the other surprise, Seraphi outsourced the baby production. Looking at the dossiers, the whole process seemed to resemble something like an Easy-Bake Oven. Seraphi selected the paternal genetic material, a famous member of a boy band in Titus' case, a surrogate, and voila! Jupiter's not in a position to judge, it just seems kind of strange that literally millions were spent to produce Balem, Kalique and Titus, when other less expensive, but equally effective, alternatives were available.

Bob clears his throat. "Hi there, kids. This is your Aunt Jupiter that I was telling you about. Per our conversation and your mother's wishes, she'll be assuming guardianship of you three." 

The children turn, their movements synchronized, and glare at Bob. "Mr. Droyd," they say, in synch, like they just found gum on the sole of their shoes. 

Bob seems to wilt under their gaze. "Well. Okay. I have a very important ... thing to go to, so very important. If you need anything, call, Ms. Jones." He looks at Kalique and then points at Jupiter. "That Ms. Jones." He pauses and looks at the Jupiter. "Well. Bye." 

"Goodbye, Mr. Droyd," the children chant creepily in unison. She's 75 percent sure that they're doing so on purpose just to mess with Mr. Droyd, but it's still kind of scary. 

"Bye," Jupiter awkwardly adds as she watches Bob leave, silently beckoning him to stay. When that doesn't happen, she turns and faces the children, with a pleasant smile on her face. "It must be really unnerving to see someone who looks so much like your mother." 

Balem raises an eyebrow. "Not really," he drawls. "You're much uglier than our mother." 

Jupiter blinks. "Oh, I mean, we're twins, but that's your opinion, I guess, and you're entitled to those."

"Well, you're obviously the ugliest twin then."

And then the children start laughing. Yep, off to a great start. When Jupiter tries to introduce Caine, they sniff and say, "Help stays in the South Wing." When Jupiter states that Caine is, in fact, her boyfriend, she can see the children literally subtracting cool points, which, in and of itself, is not cool. Caine is the _best_ and she's about to fight a bunch of six-year-olds about it.

Caine quickly changes the subject by asking for a tour of the house and Jupiter swears in that moment that she's going to do something nice for him later. But Kalique rolls her eyes and claps her hands and a parade of people riding Segways wheel into the cavernous room imitating a foyer. Skyjack seems a little unsure of the whole situation and Jupiter does not blame him. Two of the Segways are apparently for Jupiter and Caine, the smaller ones for the children. And then they're off touring Abrasax Farms on Segways. 

Jupiter looks at Caine and his face seems to reflect her own feelings. What is even happening right now?

Kalique flips her hair. "On your left, Aunt Jupiter, you'll find the gallery. Valued at 100 million dollars, the collection concentrates on Impressionism." 

Titus nods fervently. "Oh yes, Mother, was ever so fond of the Impressionists."

Honestly, this whole experience is so strange; the children might as well be aliens. This is going to take some getting used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So kind of a short chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to leave any comments regarding prompts, what scenarios would you like to see?
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
